George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I
really hate all the stupid political humor jokes people make about me."
Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you.
They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In
fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you
what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the
driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm
home, " said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M
Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the
car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back
to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney
leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People
are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he
winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked
us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have
realized you could have called instead!
A man walked into a cowboy bar and
ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the
television. After a few sips, he looked up at the
television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest
horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of
the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked
him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his
beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a
horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the
other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man
said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush
country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse
George W. Bush went to see the
doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor
said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you.
First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides:
the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I
thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But
your brain is very unusual because on the left side
there isn't anything right, while on the right side
there isn't anything left."
When Einstein died and arrived at
the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until
he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple
of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St.
Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the
man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George
W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his
equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can
you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic
fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of
President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president
was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George
W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small
Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one
placed against the wall and just before the order was
given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell
into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped
in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The
squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just
witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled
out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al
slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the
wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just
scream out something about a disaster and hop over the
wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the
firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised
in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,
Before the inauguration, George W.
was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked
President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a solid
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about
the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President,
I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of
the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George
had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the
President's private bathroom, the President had a gold
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for
bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out
who pissed in your saxophone."
While visiting England, George
Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what
her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how
she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking
them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: Your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds
,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put
the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee
to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House
and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a
meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and
explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's
Bush and Gore were sitting in a
restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election.
When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said,
"I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said,
"I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress
to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the
In a Veteran's Day speech,
President Bush vowed, 'We will finish the mission.
Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to
read the punctuation marks.
George W. Bush and his driver were
going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig
jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get
out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to
explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a
cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My
God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I
told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just
killed the pig."